Where’d he go?

So some friends of the family have been very gracious and given us a lot of hand me downs, clothes, toys, and something even more special. They gave us a little walker (henceforth referred to as the race car) that the wee man can sit in and propel himself around (everyone knows what this is).

Well the first few weeks were fun. This was basically a stationary toy that The Count could wobble back and forth in. Nothing major, just an alternative to the bouncy chair and the sit and play. I totally underestimated his learning curve.

I thought if I pinned the little guy in, I could more or less determine where he could go, but ooooohhhhh no. He hits those little barriers full speed and turns every obstacle into a speed bump. He spends half of his time chasing the blind dog around and pinning him in the corner so that he can pull his ears (it’s rather pitiful). He spends the rest of the time showing us what he can pull off the tables and eat (he’s preferential to folded clothes and magazines).

I think I’m going to strap a harness onto the puppies and see how long he can hang on.

Da Man

It wasn’t too terribly long ago that I was running around acting like a soccer hooligan and generally being an irresponsible human being. As a matter of fact, it was probably a week ago. But much before that it turns out I became an Uncle.

I didn’t realize that with that title came rights and responsibilities.

I had the RIGHT to purchase Christmas presents for the kid. And as he informed me, I had the RESPONSIBILITY to make those purchases TOYS.

I know there were many other things I was supposed to be doing, like setting a good example, but I was too busy trying to teach him how to blow up things with firecrackers and teach my dog inappropriate tricks to bother myself with being a role model.

Despite the fact that he had me as an uncle, the kid worked through that, and as of tomorrow, the ankle biter will officially become an EAGLE SCOUT.

To say that I am proud and impressed would not do it justice. I have a hard time finishing a 30 minute sitcom and the big guy spent some 10 years to make it to the top (and did in record time, mind you).

So in a short shout out, here’s to Josh, who is now quite capable of beating up his uncle. Your mom made me buy the clothes instead of toys.

Gee Pee Ayus

The fam recently took a road trip. Although I was considered a navigod when I was younger, I’ve found it convenient over the last several years to use the GPS that I bought my wife. I am now convinced that this tool of convenience has made me a blubbering idiot. OK, granted I was probably already a blubbering idiot a long time before I bought it, but I used to be able to scan a map quickly and go pretty much anywhere I wanted in a strange city, now I can barely find my garage after I pull into my driveway.

I know I need to “update the maps” on my GPS because it often tells me I’m driving through the forest of impending doom. But that’s how they get you. I mean, right out of the box it seems like my neighborhood isn’t even on the map and I need to “Update my maps”. Boy I sound like my Grandpa now don’t I.

But anyway, the wife was playing with the settings and discovered that you can change the languages. They have all sorts of different ones, German, French, Spanish, but what was cool was they have different ENGLISH languages. They have American English, United Kingdom English, and she even came across REDNECK! Wow, this we had to try. The wife hit “Redneck” and the GPS immediately fell off the windshield and told us to “pick it up and use some Duct Tape this time to make sher it steecks to tha winder.”

It was 9:00 AM in the morning and although our destination was only about an hour away, our arrival time on the GPS read “Bout Noon”. Instead of taking us directly to the city we intended to go, the GPS (now referring to itself as “Jim Bob”) took us on a navigational route past 3 bars. Upon arrival at each bar it would state “Nope, that’n’s closed too. Ya’ll sure up early on a Sa-urdee Mornin’. Go on up a couple miles and hang a layuft.” It finally settled for a quick run through the Bass Pro Shop parking lot before taking us to our destination city.

Now that we were safely in the city, we decided to get something to eat. The wife hit the restaurant button (now labeled “Eatin” on the screen). The selections that came up were Shoes and No Shoes. With a shrug, she selected shoes. It gave her a selection of 3 Bar-B-Q restaurants and a Buffet. Under “No Shoes” she got a waffle house and the same Buffet. We opted for a small Italian restaurant we saw by the side of the road. As soon as we pulled in Jim Bob said “Whutchalldoinhere?”

After lunch we had a few hours to kill, so the wife pulled up the “local attractions”. It gave us directions to the State Fair and Hooters Restaurant. We opted out. We decided instead to do some shopping, but as soon as H selected “shopping” Jim Bob yelled “I Aready took ya to th’ Bass Pro!”

We finally gave up and decided just to get to the airport and wait for our guests to arrive. H selected “transportation” and Jim Bob said, “Aright, ya’ll head down th’ road a mile er two and hang a raight at the quickie mart.” Of course as soon as we passed the Quickie Mart Jim Bob said “Ain’t ya’ll thirsty?”

For the next fifteen minutes it was, “Turn on the Radio”, “D’jall see that Jeep?”, “Ain’t no cops around, whay don’chu speed up?”, “Ya’ll aint got no Cuntry Stayshuns round here?”

The battery was running low, so the wife pulled out the cord to plug it in and Jim Bob said, “Just gimme some beef jerky.”

As we pulled into the parking lot as instructed by Jim Bob we finally realized that instead of taking us to the airport, he took us to a Monster Truck Rally.

The wife threw him out the window.

Thief

I was out getting the mail the other day, and I ran into one of my neighbors. She relayed an interesting story to me.

It seems she came home one afternoon and Humphrey (our HUGE little bulldog) was excited. He must have been chilling out in the back yard, and as she walked by, he must have just gotten up from his nap. She said something must have gotten his attention, because the bulldozer that he is, ran head first into our huge gate and knocked it open (this is the same dog that has taken several flying leaps at the patio door over the back of another dog in order to get inside quicker than they did).

The neighbor was kind of proud that he was so excited to see her that he risked personal injury just to come say hello. As she knelt to welcome and congratulate her little canine friend her joy waned. The Bully went full speed right past her, through the street, and into her front yard. Within seconds, the little rascal was dragging her entire Halloween skeleton back across the street and into our back yard.

I guess every dog needs a bone … our dog just needs all of them.