The New Family

8 little puppies! 4 boys and 4 girls. Everyone's doing great. I'll update more when I get some sleep. But in the mean time ...

Stupid's like a box of chocolates ...

Now I want to preface this story with the fact that I’m an idiot, and I know it. I am HORRBLE with names.

I have been married to the Blonde for almost 4 years, we often have discussions about her cousin and his wife, but there have been numerous occasions where she would say something like “Lisa and Jim just got new car” and I would respond, “Who’s Lisa and Jim?” Now I don’t ever claim to be the brightest person in the world, but I do know my weakness for not remembering names very well.

I was at work today and I received and email from the Blonde. It said simpy “Hey Baby. I thought you would be better at this for Kim and Barry.”

That’s it. That’s all she said. It was a forward from a friend of hers that had a question regarding the impending relocation into our area of someone else they know.

I don’t know who these people are, so my email starts out “I have absolutely no idea who any of you are …” Well apparently that was the wrong terminology.

- “It’s Kim and Barry.”
- “so OK, it's Kim and Barry, is that some sort of rock group out of Boston?"
- "KIM AND BARRY ... WE HAD DINNER WITH THEM IN DALLAS!!!!"
- "Oh, the cool couple with the lettuce wraps?"
- "YES, YOU KNOW THEM!"

OK, so it didn’t go exactly like that, but you get the idea. My point is this. H (besides being incredibly HOT) is an extremely intelligent individual. And knowing that she has to follow even her cousin’s names with qualifiers like “Lisa and Jim ... my cousin” I would think that by now she would have learned that she needs to do that with just about everything for me, “Pick me up a tube of Crest … the toothpaste”.

I mean would it have killed her to speak to me like the idiot I am (which she eventually has to do anyway when she finally gets ticked off at me)? She could have said, "Hey Baby. I thought you would be better at this for Kim and Barry … In Dallas"

In Dallas ... two words ... would that have been so hard, now really? Now instead I get a WHOLE LOT MORE than two words, and I'm not sure, but some of them might have been four letters.

OK, the Vampire is doing well. Running a little fever yesterday, but I am clinging to the hope that it isn’t my fault. H’s Mom is here to help out, cooking and cleaning for a few days, so we’re really glad to have her.

H and I are in a groove at night, we sleep in shifts between 10 and 2 then 2 and 6. I get the 2 – 6 shift and generally try to feed the kid in the middle of the three I see, but last night I seem to have given the pillow half a bottle before I realized it and somehow ended up putting a diaper on the dog that was lying on the bed.

Speaking of that … she is HUGE. Poor Evie’s belly is just about hanging on the floor and she looks at me like “Ooomph!” when she’s simply sitting down. Soon our house will be filled with the pitter patter of little feet …. And the desperate cries of a grown man trying to feed puppies and baby every 3 hours. At least I get to leave for 10 hours a day … imagine what H is going to be like.

Brought to You by Lucky Strike

You will all have to forgive the absence of writing. I’ll continue to try and update this weekly, but right now I’m in the shifts. I take the 10pm – 2am sleeping shift, and Heidi takes the 2am – 6am shift. So running on 4 hours of daily sleep limits my cognitive abilities to an even lower level than was previously thought to be possible and still manage to breathe.

This week we all went to Physical Therapy. When we arrived there, H took us through the back room to get to the waiting area (she works at the hospital, and this was the only way she knew how to get there). This brief tour, accompanied by the characters loitering in the waiting room gave all of the charm of a sanatorium. The waiting room was almost large enough to hold a mop bucket and dust pan. It was crowded with about half a dozen people who must have all just come from an airport smoking lounge. I think I got my daily intake of nicotine just by being in close proximity.

The “work area” (or as I refer to PT spaces, the dungeon) looked like they had taken the accounts payable department, removed all the desks, and then furnished it with various pieces of equipment from someone’s garage sale. One “exercise” area consisted of a folding chair, pushed up against a closed door. The door that had one of those “over the door” hooks on it. Attached to that was a pulley with what seemed to be a water skiing rope threaded though it with the handles on either end. I thought this looked rather unorthodox until I looked closer at the door. There was a sign on it that read “Restroom” (I swear to God, I can’t make this stuff up). Which leads me to all kinds of questions like; What happens if I’m in the restroom and someone decides to use this equipment, how can I get out? In this case, how can the PT know who is actually doing the grunting during the workout? What if I really have to go while someone is using the equipment? And finally, What happens if I’m sitting there minding my own business and someone gets a good tug on that rope and the door comes flying open? It’s not like the door was around the corner or anything. It’s kind of like putting a bath room off of your living room. Sure, you can use it, but it’s not exactly soundproof and if you have guests in your house, they’re GOING to notice something.

OK, so the story gets better. The PT came and got us from the waiting closet and took us into another completely different room. This was apparently the kids PT area. It was full of swings, toys, and play mats. It was actually a very nice little area, a stark contrast to the office/gym/bathroom/garage sale next door. Samuel did very well … he didn’t pee on anyone this time. He passed with flying colors and hopefully won’t have to go back any time soon … unless he needs a cigarette.

Well, here’s the “other” announcement you’ve all been waiting for. We’re going to be having puppies in a few weeks. I’m announcing this for 2 reasons.

1 - We thought it would be good to get the word out that our cute little bulldogs are going to be having cuter little bulldogs and maybe begin to find some good homes for our puppies. I will try to find a way to either create a website for the puppies when they’re born, or put their pictures here. The cost will be $1000 each. If you know anything about Bulldogs, you will probably say, “Wow, that’s a good deal.” And if you don’t know anything about them, you probably think we’re crazy. Either way, pass it along to friends and family, and if you ever have one, you won’t want anything else.

2 – H’s cousin is out of town on assignment. His family will be visiting us when the puppies are born and his kids have recently expressed strong interest in getting a dog. There’s a good probability that when he gets home from assignment, there will be a little Bulldog waiting on him regardless of what his opinion is. I say this because H’s cousin (although the nicest guy you’ll ever meet) is a Lt Colonel in the US Army. And not only is he in the Army, he’s in Special Forces. Without going into any details that would be more speculation than fact on my part, let’s just say this guy could kill me with a teacup. I have a feeling that every time this cute little bundle of barks goes wee wee on his carpet, I will voluntarily make the four hour trip to his house in order to clean it up. Don’t get me wrong, this guy is really a good man … but so is Evander Holyfield I hear, and I wouldn’t want to be on his bad side either.

So if I mysteriously disappear, tell my wife I love her.

Thanks for all the prayers

Time to make the donuts ...

I know all of you have been squirming in your seat all week waiting for the latest installment of One Life to Crib.

Samuel has been sleeping so peacefully … throughout the day. H and I are absolutely, positively convinced that he’s a vampire. Seriously, he sleeps throughout the day, he hates bright lights, he’s awake all night, all he does is suck to eat, I half expect him to sprout wings and turn into a bat, but we know that particular version is all Hollywood myth and not what a real vampire can do. He also seems to have the uncanny ability to summon the hounds in the middle of the night.

We had our first Doctor’s appointment yesterday. While H was filling out paperwork, Dad took little Samuel to get weighed. The nurses oohed and aahed over the little fellow as I stripped him down to get an accurate reading on the scale. Samuel smiled at the nurses, flirted with them, then peed all over everyone. It was a very touching Father Son moment.

Since the little man has arrived, and my wife is getting back into her “regular” clothes, closet space seems to be at a premium in our house. I was recently served with a notice of imminent domain by my wife detailing my upcoming loss of closet space.

It sparked a conversation about the things my wife has in her closets. I explained to her that sometimes it can be more expensive to keep things that are seldom used. Taking into account not only the storage space, but also the wear and tear on cramming the items that you want into spaces that are too tight or too cluttered to easily retrieve them. I told her that she should really think hard about this and try and get rid of some things that she no longer needs.

Well, apparently, I’m now for sale.

Thanks for all the prayers.